IF YOU SAY I “LOOK GOOD”, I WANT DETAILS

I have not been at my best lately. It happens…

I’ve had dozens of bad hair days in a row. I’m still carrying way too much excess weight from quitting smoking (and it’s been so long I count my quit date in years, not months). It’s summer and my complexion is pasty. My upper arms are swinging and my feet are dragging from the load. I’m wearing mostly winter knits because the summer wardrobe is a tad too small, emphasizing the “over” in over-weight. After decades of not leaving the house without make-up, I find, many mornings, I just don’t bother.

Although I often think of these times as “prepping for old age”, that’s not really fair. It’s more likely the very-hard-to-please 23 year old Janet ticking off the faults in my appearance. (This younger me has stuck around way past the time invited.) During these times, I’m always shocked at current photos of myself or passing glimpses in a mirror. Whatever the reason, I find it hard to like what I see.

But here’s the tricky part: It never fails that while I’m moaning and groaning to myself and wondering if an entirely new wardrobe might brighten me up, people start telling me how good I look.

I just don’t understand this. Where does this compliment come from? Of course, I do the “correct” thing and thank them. But what I really want to do is look them straight in the eye and say: “What are you talking about? ‘Look good’ compared to what? What you thought I should look like at my age? What I looked like last year when I had the flu? Compared to your mother? Compared to yourself?”

It’s just my opinion, but I think compliments such as “Looking Good” need to have specific qualifiers whenever they’re used on someone past the age of 60 (or when the waist disappears, whichever comes first). It would be helpful to know which part of us brought on the comment –

You’re looking good today. Your eyes have a sparkle to them.

You’re looking good… that color suits you.

Whenever you put your hair up, you look real good.

These are compliments I can use. My sense of self takes an immediate leap upward. They give me something else to see as I pass each mirror. Plus I have materials to work with – ways to wear my hair, colors to look for when I shop, more glitter in my eyes (just kidding) – real tools to take me out of the aging slump.

Close friends and family might offer compliments that veer off into more dangerous territory:

You look good… slimmer. Have you lost weight?

You’re looking younger around the eyes these days. Getting more sleep?

You seem to have a spring in your step? Are you feeling energetic?

I love this type of compliment because it puts your “issue” out on the table but only as a prop to say how well you are dealing with it. Again, a real pick-me-up on a bad day.

As we gradually age in a society where young is beautiful and old is… well, interesting, we need to change how we praise and flatter each other. The generic compliment is just too vague at this time of our lives. We need to help each other out with flatteries that remind us of our strong, attractive traits.

I would be remiss if I did not address the gender issue on this particular topic. Although I didn’t mean it to be, this little rift is probably For Women Only. Asking females to expand on praise is not a big request. Asking a guy to spit out the specifics of an accolade might be too much.

I know for a fact that some men tell me I’m “looking good” when what they really mean to say is that they’re glad to see me. Still others actually do think I look good but would be completely incapable of expressing why (these are the guys that don’t notice when you dye your hair a different color or go from frizzy to straight tresses).

I actually got up the nerve once and answered back a compliment from a male friend with: “Really. What is it that makes me look good today?” There was so much grimace, utter confusion and shock on my friend’s face, that I quickly said, “Oh well, it doesn’t matter. I was just curious” and moved onto some other topic.

Even if I have to leave the majority of one gender out of my proposal, I still think we need to redesign the way we compliment each other.

And if it turns out that all the compliments I’ve been receiving were just neutral greetings, with no substance… best I know now while I’m still feeling chipper enough to keep redoing my hair until I get some positive feedback.

Janet Torge